Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
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Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now