Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
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Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME