Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
You Might Also Like
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.