Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

🤣dope

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”