Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

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A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.


Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news


boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?


[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?


*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away


My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.


Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.