Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
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I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.