Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
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“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
WHY would you be happy about this?
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
me: my friends:
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.