Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
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Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.