Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.