Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
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How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh