Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
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Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?