Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
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Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Only Americans understand
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
So many pants.
So little yoga.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
every college guy’s fridge
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Feels like the fourth month in January
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.