@YearOfRat

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

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@offbeatoliv

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

@Qwertyings

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

@Swishergirl24

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

@KeetPotato

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

@jordan_stratton

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

@AllieGoertz

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

@robdelaney

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

@mommajessiec

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

@mattgallo123

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

@JasonLastname

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.