Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

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Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.


Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.


The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner


I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.


This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.


I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game


In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.