@offbeatoliv The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
@YearOfRat Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
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@offbeatoliv 
@Qwertyings You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
@Swishergirl24 This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
@KeetPotato [undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
@jordan_stratton Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
@AllieGoertz For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
@robdelaney When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
@mommajessiec Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
@mattgallo123 At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
@JasonLastname If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.