@ACartoonCat Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
@YearOfRat Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
You Might Also Like
@ACartoonCat 
@RowdyBowden Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
@MamaNeedsACoke The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
@notfaizzy I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
@TellingTellers You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
@Smooheed Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
@bridger_w This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
@CrockettForReal I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
@SortaBad In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
@weinerdog4life I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?