Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.


You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.


This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.


[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]


Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.


For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.


When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.


Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?


At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.


If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.