Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

this could fix me

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

This is hilarious….