Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

🤔😂😂

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.