Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
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Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Before & after 😅
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.