Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
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if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Message from the dog groomers
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it