Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
You Might Also Like
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.