Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*