whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
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Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Cats are still liquid.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.