Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”