Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
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Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40