Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
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If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles