@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

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@JohnCleese

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

@AnneHatfieldVO

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

@Reverend_Scott

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

@PFTompkins

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

@Hurly_Burly

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

@LaceyNycole

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

@Swishergirl24

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

@Needyhelpy

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

@stEPH_u_

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*