Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
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Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
#polloftheday
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.