whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
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I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
O Wise One….
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Gross if literal…Liverpool
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.