Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
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They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Candles never taste the way they smell
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP