Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

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The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”


Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh


me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much


3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.


Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”


*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.


Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it


Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.


Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.