Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
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landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
So, can we agree on 4 or
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.