Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
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Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
They’re really bad with fonts.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”