whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
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I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My neck, my back, my…
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?