Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness