whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
You Might Also Like
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Friday
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
british sex workers really pound for pound
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves