Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
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Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys