Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done