Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
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I love it all
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.