Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
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Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Natty or not?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
We all have our pet causes.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it