Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
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“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.