@TheCatWhisprer Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
@KentWGraham Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
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@TheCatWhisprer 
@kathwilliamsuk Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
@wickedimproper He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
@primawesome Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
@trevso_electric Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
@sploosk Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
@KalvinMacleod CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
@thesupergrobi I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
@Bob_Janke Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
@liljonlovitz DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now