Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
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Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises