Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
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Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Not recommended for beginners.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait