Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
You Might Also Like
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.