Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
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HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
hi why am I like this
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now