Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
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Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
gentlemen, hear me out
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap