whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
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How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace