Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
lol
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.