Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
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Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
This is no longer winter this is harassment
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis