Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
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“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work