Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
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Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.