Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
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a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
next question.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
In Canada they just call them geese
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.