Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
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The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
A leaf blower, but for people.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.