Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
You Might Also Like
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.