Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
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[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.