Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
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*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*