Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
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The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Hmm 🧐
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
even bears disappoint their mothers
Watson was Holmes schooled
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.