Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
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Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
<—- homeless romantic
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Childbirth is so beautiful
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.