Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’m not wrong
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.