Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
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[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets